IF I DIE YOUNG AND YOU EVER FIND THIS

I always felt unloved and have always been an attention seeker and people pleaser, i am writing this seconds after hearing from you that you love me but i dont know how much worth those words carry,in your heart or mine but today after spending an entire day on a book i felt like i always took you for granted and how my life would be if you didnt exist, you said you loved me when we were in 5th grade and cant live without talking to me, you often lied about things but i guess it was to get my attention, i always resented people who came very close to me so did I in 5th, i started running away from you because i had many people around for seeking attention, it was until 10th and 11th we got serious about each other a bit, you hate me a lot for things i did but you chose to forgive me but the only thing i gave you back was hurting you, you were madly in love with me i could see that in12th , felt that but someway or the other i ghosted you , for what? you always had this doubt i never wanted to hurt you so i lied, just to be with you again, to share same bond, stress makes me distracted crave for support , emotional ,physical,the one i can see , failing every test with my mom beside me always taunting me for my good made me mad, we rarely talked due to my mom being around, i just got distracted, not like you think but yes, i knew i was wrong everytime, but i didnt know that you were so so serious back then with the pain you suffered and those therapies, you never told me but just waited for me, now you're in college, i wish you the best for your future, i know its so blurry ahead but me made vows to stick together until we can make through, after hours of crying and still crying though i rarely do for someone not related to blood, but yeah i think our hearts are linked, and so i choose to stick with you till we can , i really want to run sometimes away from this because if it doesnt work , what about the pain but i dont have the nerves to hurt you again, never. so i choose to be here though i always doubt your love, but i know you do it way more than i can imagine or i can do...                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     a reminder: even if i die i am always rooting for you from the heaven above because this little girl in me has always dreamt of a life with you.i hope you never have to read this or we read this together both in our fifties chilling in mountains with your sthethoscope.

                      



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